What Kind of Fool am I?
It has been several months since I communicated on my blog site. Although I may be retired, I am active in several volunteer ministries that require preparation. One of these teaching ministries has been completed so I have a little more free time.
Today I feel constrained to share due to a recent incident that brought both shame and pain to me and other persons. Along with my confession I also want to share some painful, but valuable, lessons I have learned.
First, the backstory.I purchased some "fresh" Oregon strawberries last week intending to enjoy some home-made strawberry shortcake. When I brought the berries home and began to wash and prepare them I discovered the berries on the top layer were very red and fresh, but below the berries were extremely overripe. I immediately felt I had been deceived and was angry. Rather than returning the berries to the purveyor who would have gladly replaced them, in the passion of the moment, I unleashed my anger on social media. I charged the purveryor with deliberately deceiving customers. That may sound mild, but I assure you the spirit in which I wrote was hostile and inapproptiate.
I soon felt convicted and had deep remorse and shame. Because my anger had been vented publicly, I knew I had to confess and apologize publicly to both the business owner and to everyone who had read the post. God also used a public rebuke on Facebook from a Christian brother that I deeply respect.
Since the purpose of this blog is not to defend myself or justify my actions, let's wait till the conclusion of this blog to share how it all came out in the end. Meanwhile, I want to share some valuable, but painful, lessons I have learned.
First, I have to admit I have an anger problem. Most people who know me see me as very "laid back" and always in control of my emotions.But, I confess that my frustration level is very low when it comes to computer glitches or plumbing or similar things. Oh, yes, I also like to remind drivers that the lever on the side of the steering column is called a turn signal for a reason "so USE IT!" Especially here in Bend with all of the Round Abouts.
Now,I can boast that I don't kick the dog (haven't had one for decades) or bust holes in the walls or use profanity when I am angry so that makes me okay, right? Wrong! If there was an "Anger Anonymous" therapy group, I would have to introduce myself and say, "Hi, my name is Syd, and I am an angry man." Just a few days ago, over a Father's Day lunch, my wife of fifty-one years shared her concerns about my low frustration threshold at this stage in my life.
As a retreaded pastor I still caution people about wrong anger. Over the years I have frequently quoted James and The Proverbs and Paul while warning against wrong anger. I love Paul's instructions about unhealthy speech and anger in Eph. 4. When angry, we are not to sin and to not let the "sun set on our anger." I assure you the sun did not set on my anger when I vented my frustration over a few strawberries, but I would have been wiser to let my emotions settle before firing off my post on Facebook. In fact, had I not responded in the heat of the moment, I would never have used social media as a weapon.
Anger, in itself, is not sin. Righteous anger responds to injustice and calls it out for what it is. It is safe to say every positive reform movement began with anger over injustice being done to the weak and vulnerable. I have no problem feeling anger when I see injustice. It's comes naturally. In fact, I even tried to justify my anger over the strawberries as "righteous anger". After all God's prophets called out fraudulent business practices. But, that was not the issue in my situation. The problem was me and my angry outburst that brought disgrace upon Jesus, upon myself, upon the ministres where I have served and presently serve . I have no justification for what I did. I am guilty.
When I teach from The Proverbs I like to poke fun at the "fools" Solomon describes. I especially enjoy the descriptions of the sluggard hinged on his bed. Solomon calls him a fool. But, another fool we discover in The Proverbs is the angry man. I realize I am that fool.
However, in this blog, it is James who exposed me and my willful anger. James warns, "My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, for man's anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires." (James 1:19-20)
I wonder how many times I have preached or taught these principles. Now it is time for me to "take note" that I should be more eager to listen than to speak. I have prided myself as a man who is not impetuous but self-controlled. I consider myself a pretty good listener most of the time. But, two weeks ago I certainly did not listen to my wife or to the Holy Spirit before ranting like a fool. Does it matter if my speech was not verbal? Does sitting at the keyboard letting my fingers do the talking, rather than speaking with my mouth, make it less wicked? Do printed words sting less severely than verbal? Is this one of the little "white sins" we often try to rationalize? No! Resoundly no! In fact choosing to put my words on social media was more damaging than verbal speech. I have often used the illustration of comparing gossip or ungodly speaking with cutting open a feather pillow and letting the feathers fly in the wind. No matter how the speaker may regret his/her words, and no matter how we try to apologize and make it right, it can never be restored. We can't retrieve every feather. So in this matter, I sinned grievously! I was able to remove the post on the business Website, but, as I understand it, the post will remain forever on social media.
James also landed a solid blow to my self rightous chin in the very next paragraph: "Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourwselves. Do what it says. Anyone who listens to the word but does not do what it says is like a man who looks at his face in the mirror and, after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like." (James 1:22-24) I am ashamedof and very critical of our President's inability to control his tongue (or in most cases, his fingers). "Would to God somebody would take his phone away", I grumble.
But, God's Word, like Nathan the prophet confronted King David, rebukes me and says, "Syd, you are the man." I went from disappointment over a batch of strawberries to venting in anger. I let my fingers do the talking. The very attribute I despise in the President was staring back at me in the mirrior!
So, after confessing my guilt, let me tell the rest of the story.
I posted a public apology on Facebook. The businessman and I began communicating on social media. In desparation to meet him and to personally apologize I even submitted my telephone number (a risky thing to do). We moved to communicating on Messenger and agreed to meet at Starbucks. After the essential small talk about ourselves and our families I apologized personally. There we sat across from each other on a small table in the center of Starbucks, but it felt like there were only two of us present. Agreeing that we may never resolve how or what happened with the berries, we shared a piece of our life stories. An hour flew like minutes. Too soon, I had to leave for another appointment. But, when we parted we shook hands as brothers in Christ and have agreed to meet again to share more of our lives and to discuss theology as brothers in the family of God. Even though I boasted on Facebook I would never spend another dollar at this business I am eager to return- prehaps for more Oregon strawberries of our wonderful Marionberries.
I share one last lesson from my experience. Having gone through the process of the initial sin and forgiveness and restoration with a brother and with God, I appreciate grace more than ever. Admitting I have sinned with my anger has been freeing. It feels like a monkey has been taken off my back. There is nothing to hide. Nothing to defend or justify. I have experienced David's emotions in the thrity-second Psalm: "Blessed is he whose transgressions are forgiven, who sins are covered." I have prayed David's prayer, "Create in a pure heart in me, O God,and renew a steadfast spirit in me." Praise God, He has done just that!
Being exposed by the Holy Spirit and Scriptpure I clearly see the old nature lying just below the surface in my life. I can identify with Paul when he struggled between doing what he knows is right and wants to do but fails tp do because "sin is living in me." So, if anyone out there reads this, I welcome your prayer support as I strive to put my selfish anger to death. Those who know me well have heard me say that I want to finish my life and my ministry strongly. I want to be a man of integrity.
Thanks for bearing with my ramblings, perhaps it woudl be better to say, my recantations. Perhaps we can all learn from my story.
